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I Can't Hate Him

I don't even know how to feel at this point. I'm so confused about so many things In the past year so many things have happened to me and I don't even know who to talk to about it, I feel like no matter how many friends I have I'll always be alone. I try to talk to my best friend and favorite aunt about it but they always change the subject or make a joke out of it. Deep down inside i feel like I'm never going to be good enough. I'm too skinny, I don't have thick thighs and a big butt, I'm an A cup and not very many people like me. Boys think I'm annoying and every time I find real friends the end up leaving me for someone better, cooler. In November I met this boy who I was great friends with. We had this amazing friend group and I was genuinely happy and then me and the boy started dating and we didn't end off on good terms and now everyone that was in that group hates me including him and it sucks because he mean't a lot to me. He was y first real best friend. He would listen to me when I needed him, he made sure I knew how important I was and that no matter what he would always be there for for me. Its been months since we stopped talking and I can't seem to stop thinking about him. He goes around the school and tells people how much he hates me and hes told everyone my biggest secrets that I trusted him with. Some how through everything that he has put me through I cant find myself to hate him. He has mad me question my entire self worth, I sued to look in the mirror, think about my friends my family and I was so happy with myself. I'm so scared I will never get that feeling back. The feeling that I was worth something. Sometimes I feel like if i let go of him I'll be losing a part of me. I know I'm not even on his mind and I know its silly but I'm not mad about the relationship ending I'm mad about the friendship. I was so happy 6 months ago i don't know what happened to me. I'm so numb to everything at this point. I've made so many guy friends to try and replace him and I just cant. They all leave me. I'll never get that feeling back. ever again.



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