I'm Afraid Of Death
This is probably going to be me rambling for the most part, but I guess it is what it is. I also feel kinda bad because my story is not as bad as other people have it and I really should not be having these feelings. There is a song lyric that says "I live a good life and pretend that it blows". That's basically how I feel- I have a good family, I am in a good relationship, I recently found a job. Yet I have these thoughts and feelings nonetheless. I have a chronic illness (which on the chronic illness chart, really is not that bad and a lot of people would not assume it is chronic but on a medical standpoint it is) which has caused a lot of trouble in the past few years. I also tend to get major depressive episodes that last quite a while where I find it hard to find motivation to do things. For the past year or so I have felt so much like a burden to the people around me, especially my family. They have to deal with me being in pain when my condition flares up, pay for the medical bills, and deal with me when I am not in the best mood because of it. My friends have to hear me complain about it a lot and do not get to focus their time on people who actually could be beneficial to have around. On another note, I am currently in school and am already behind on the credits that I need for a degree that I probably won't even find myself being successful in. It would be a lot better for everyone if I were gone. My parents could save their money and not have to be so emotionally spent. Plus, they could redirect their focus and the finances they save on me to my younger sibling who has a real bright future ahead of them. My sibling also would not have to worry about me not being in a good mood or having to be around me so much. My friends, again, could focus on people who really care about them and do not waste their time. My significant other could find someone who would not drag them into their problems and who is happy most of the time. My therapist could focus on patients who have actual problems. There really is not a downside to me going away. Sure, people may be sad for like two weeks. But once they saw the advantages/benefits of me no longer being there, they would get past it. Logically it makes a lot of sense. The one thing is that I am afraid of death. I don't have anything planned really and I doubt I will get the will to overcome this fear soon. So I am still here due to my selfish reasons. Maybe one day I will put my own wants aside and just do it. But here's to hoping I become less of a burden before it comes. Also if for some reason someone is reading this and they feel the same way- please stick around. There are so many people who care about you.